The Desolation of Smaug Indeed:

The Hobbit Part 2 review time

I did not come to steal from you, O Smaug the Unassessably Wealthy. I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence, to see if you were as great as the old tales say.

Starring Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch as the voice of Smaug, Stephen Fry, Stephen Colbert (kind of) and Evangeline Lilly, plus the old familiars (Ian McKellan, Orlando Bloom, Cate Blanchett), what could go wrong?

Not much, to be fair. It exceeded most of the expectations in terms of pacing and following the books closely enough without adding too much unnecessary garbage. Remember, as soon as Peter Jackson announced that The Hobbit would be broken into THREE freaking parts, we all jumped in with the criticism that they would be three dragging, slow movies bogged down by excess material. Instead, the length of the series let Jackson (and screenplay writers Guillermo Del Toro et al) keep just about every scene from the book, while adding Legolas in (what would a LOTR movie be without his ridiculous facial expressions?) and keeping things from feeling too rushed.

In fact, I didn’t feel that there was too much Legolas and Tauriel. Maybe it all comes down to whether you love Evangeline Lilly and want as much screen time as possible devoted to close-ups of her face, or whether you don’t know who she is (which is the only reasonable explanation for not loving her. Just saying.) I’ve said many times that I fall asleep during your average fight scene (or car chase, great battle, anything with action really) but who could fall asleep watching Legolas play hop scotch over dwarves floating down river in barrels while shooting orcs (without missing)? Not me.

And despite the backlash, I stand by my tweet that Tauriel's hair color is an ugly shade of orange unworthy of framing Evangeline Lilly's luminous visage.

Did anyone else hate the shade of orange they dyed #Tauriel's hair in #TheHobbit? Such an ugly color, for screen in particular.

— Starlight (@Musingsby) January 13, 2014

Ahem.

We couldn't have asked for a better Bard. Luke Evans stood up to the role of Middle Earth man-hero, upholding Boromir's glower, the harshness of Eomer, and the compassion of Faramir (sometimes), without Denethor’s anything. A job well done, sir.

You have no right to enter that mountain!

Meanwhile, Stephen Fry was hardly recognizable, which is awesome. I mean, it’s not awesome if you didn’t realize it was him, in which case you need to watch again, but it’s awesome that he transformed so fully into such a dislikable character. For me, Fry will always be Deitrich, that gay comedian and talk show host in V for Vendetta. But there’s none of Deitrich’s graceful dignity in the Master of Lake-town. Instead there’s a revolting, greedy, brutish little man.

What did go wrong was the handling of source material. I’m not complaining here about the inclusion of scenes that didn’t occur in The Hobbit; I said I’m happy with Tauriel (and no one complained when Liv Tyler got oh so much more screen time proportional to the all of 60 words devoted to Arwen in the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy.) The length of the three installments ensures that nothing important need get cut, which keeps us devotees sated, so that’s not the problem either. But what made Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings series utterly flawless wasn’t the choices of what to include and what to remove, (Team Bombidil forevs!!) it was how heavily it relied on the foundation of Tolkien’s powerful writing, particularly the use of his exact wording. The deviation from that established standard is the only reason I can point to as to why Bilbo’s conversations with the dragon, Smaug the Magnificent, fell flat, despite the opportunity there for the chemistry and mastery of actors Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch.

"You have nice manners for a thief and a liar."

Other than Smaug’s opening lines, “Well, thief, I smell you. I hear your breath. I feel your air,” and the odd “barrel rider” epithet, the screenplay writers free styled this one, and worse yet, they did that thing that makes this particular member of the audience take a little doze: they turned the encounter from a “conversation” with the great dragon into a damn action scene. And a boring, slow paced one at that. We’re long past being impressed by CGI dragons skating across millions of coins, I don’t care how detailed and individual each gold coin is. Because I’m sleeping.

The dialogue between them is closest to its source material when they are actually interacting, but in between the snippets of conversation, Smaug just chases Bilbo around the mounds of treasure blowing fire at him. Snore. Only about a third of the dialogue is verbatim from Tolkien, which might not sound so bad, but when I go back and re-read Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King, almost all of the spoken passages are familiar, because they appeared in the movies word for word (which, as I’ve mentioned, makes a re-read a much bigger treat than you think).

Ponies take some catching, I believe, after a long start. And so do burglars!

The wording might even be close enough, but the pacing is entirely off. Reading the chapter “Inside Information,” there’s nothing but movement in the talk between Bilbo and Smaug, and the plot as it unfolds, due to Bilbo seeing the Arkenstone and Smaug deducing (Sherlock!) that Bilbo is working with the dwarves and has been to Lake-town, where he may have allies.

By my count, the scene of just talk with Bilbo and Smaug is about 12 minutes total of screen time, which is kind of a lot, but maybe it should have been longer and had more of the tangents and side conversations that made it so compelling in the first place. And for sure the scene deserves that much time, except that it was ever so much less clever and intriguing than the ten minutes it takes to read the brilliantly composed chapter. The scene that I most looked forward to, given its perfection in the original composition and the casting of Sherlock and Watson (yep), was one of the weakest in the film, and the series thus far.

And after that we get little mess there’s the snooze-inducing battle in Lake-town, the visually stunning yet dreadfully boring molten gold attack on the dragon, and all that nonsense with Tauriel and the kingsfoil. Haven’t we done that routine twice before, Tolkien? Oh wait, eagles. Right. The rule of LOTR is that everything happens twice. See Arwen (and Aragorn) saving Frodo with kingsfoil. Hobbit, dwarf, same thing.

“She is far, far away from here, and she walks in starlight in another world.” And what was up with Kili and his “Do you think she could have loved me?”

He's quite tall for a Dwarf. Do you not think?

Sorry if that was a harsh review. Keep in mind, I did start with lots of nice things to say. Plus, the voice acting really was quite masterful. Any disagreements? Feel free to air your grievances; that’s what the comment board is for.