Game of Thrones Season 3 Premiere: Valar Dohaeris

The most pirated and anticipated, ratings record breaking premiere got off to a steady start. Did some good old catching up with all our old friends, a minute or two north of the wall, a little check-in with the surviving Baratheon "licking his wounds" back in Dragonstone, and a peak at the carnage the Starks come across at Harrenhal while they bide their time, have a few pints before they get around to taking King's Landing.

I know this is the time for rising action, but start killing each other already! Two seasons and Joffrey's head is still on his body. What's with that? At least Stannis gave it a shot; what are those Starks doing? Dany has an excuse. Her dragons are too small to kill even the puniest of kings, and she doesn't have much of an army. Yet.

Thanks to the books we can just read ahead to the action, but Valar Dohaeris did start a few things off. The great ethical dilemma of Daenerys' completely dehumanized slave army, Jon Snow climbing up the wildlong ranks from prisoner to... not prisoner, and Sansa's opportunity for escape, and in fact, even wanting to escape King's Landing, or outwardly admitting that she does, is a new and very welcome development. I haven't figured out why I feel fiercely protective over this arguably very weak, sad character, but just think how much room there is for development when you're a complete crybaby and a coward. If she kills Joffrey one day it'll be the best thing a woman has done since the Witch King (okay not really), but she'll have to both beat Arya to it, and humble herself enough to her sister to ask for fencing lessons.

It's difficult to tell to what extent Stannis is still in the game, particularly when he's burning his own soldiers and generals at the stake, and he's not looking too hot. It would be a shame to lose another contender for the throne; the more the merrier. The more to take it from the damn Lannisters. 

A few notable characters didn't appear in this first episode. Where's Arya? Last we saw her she had escaped Harrenhal, and good timing based on what Robb and Lady Stark found there. Hopefully she's near enough for a reunion but probably not. There are also the little stark boys, Bran and Rickon, whom Maester Luwin urged to flee north to the fricking wall in the season finale. Yeah, wish them luck. Osha and a couple direwolves should be able to protect them from the army of white walker things we got a glimpse of up north. Okay, those are on the other side of the wall, but we've seen what kinds of things can happen to children in this show, and at this point, nothing would surprise me.

Don't forget about Jaime Lannister, either. We should expect an update on where he is very soon.

Last season ended with Margaery Tyrell asking King Joffrey to marry her, which made me angry even though the new arrangement saves Sansa having to marry him. Still, what a strumpet. I guess I was most concerned over Sansa's safety if Joffrey is done with her, but that doesn't seem to concern anyone. I guess Cersei has forgotten about the Stark in their midst. Still, if there's one thing that makes me tear my hair out, it's when I don't like a character from the start, and the storyteller flips them on their ass to redeem them. Margaery Tyrell works with the poor in the city and isn't afraid to get shit on her boots in the process. How honourable. I'm running out of villainous characters to dislike.

I hear it's going to be a good season. Winter's coming, and all that. Well get on with it then!

What does the Perfect Pilot Accomplish?

Before we dig in to a series of pilot episode reviews, let’s take a look at the criteria for a perfect first episode.

Exposition:

“Don't you just hate exposition?” is a line (from Charmed) that really stuck with me, probably because it struck me in the heart and the wound just won’t heal. What do you mean, you hate exposition? Hate bad exposition, not the backstory-telling itself!

Even when you’re not looking for the exposition, bad story-telling will hit you over the head and ruin the show, and the pilot episode is where this is most likely to happen.

Too many dialogues between characters that don’t really need to talk about said backstory; speeches that are clearly only for the audience’s benefit; flashbacks with voiceovers; and any over-zealous narration, really, immediately kills what could have otherwise been a good pilot. It’s a lot to ask for a writer/director to come up with new and exciting ways to tell us the backstory, but the best rule of thumb is to just let it happen slowly. We don’t need to know very much about our characters and their world in the very premiere. 

I, and most audience members like me, would much rather be left in the dark, than spoon-fed. It insults our intelligence.

Introduction to the Series:

For me, there is a difference between the exposition and the introduction, particularly 

in a television pilot, where the viewer is likely to sit to the end, but whether he or she watches anything beyond that first episode is entirely determined in that approximately 60 minutes. The unaired pilot of Stark Trek, for example, lets the viewer know what kinds of, pardon the language, crazy shit is going to happen in this series in a time when space operas on television were pretty revolutionary. The aliens with the big heads in Star Trek’s pilot, The Cage, really tell the audience a clear message: If you think this is cool, watch on. If this is a little weird for you, go back to M*A*S*H.

The conflict:

If the conflict is resolved by the end, I have no reason to watch the second episode. It may sound obvious, and may be inspiring of far too many extraneous cliff-hangers, but keep this in mind: if all of the conflicts are resolved, it means, inherently, that the show will be episodic. I have little problem with episodic shows, save that I can’t re-watch a single episode of House (for some reason all of the details stick with me, removing any enjoyable tension from a re-watch), but really, why tune in next week unless I’m worried about the state of the story world? If the protagonist is already near completion of his or her quest, I’m bored now. I came out to see a fight!

I will find examples of this in pilots, for example Doctor Who almost fell prey to a resolved conflict, but for a few examples I will largely say that early Angel and late Buffy suffered from some very boring episodic episodes that ended with no movement forward.

At first I found myself wondering why Angel needed a spin-off if all he was going to do is roam LA saving one victim at a time with no character development and no arching plot. Boring! The show did not pick up for me at all until Darla… happens... in Season 2. Buffy lost me at a crucial moment in Season 6 where, despite Season 5 being the absolute climax of a show that would air another 2 years, the story stopped suddenly.

In fact, Lost did the same thing for me mid-season when I just wanted the freaking hatch to be opened already.

If all of the plot strings are tied into a tight, artfully tied bow, the audience gets very bored. Even if we must defeat the first of many evils, solve the first of many crimes, complete the first of many quests, leave just one conflict open for me, please.

The characters:

There had better be a character I love, and a character I hate, if you want me to keep watching. Although I didn’t love the premiere of Once Upon a Time, I loved Emma and hated Regina the evil Queen.

Remember the Firefly pilot? If you remember clearly enough to your first viewing, you should be able to recall really hating Dr. Simon, and a little bit hating Mal unless you don’t really care about Inara, the Shepherd, and sometimes even Kaylee, Zoe and Wash… yeah he’s pretty much mean to the whole crew, including Jayne, who you also will not really like at this point, so no one minds when Mal puts him in his place… but it’s hard to watch when he does the same to Inara and Book. Who do we like in the Firefly pilot? Probably only Wash, to be honest.

Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land.

A boring cast will kill a good pilot, and hatred is just as good of a reaction as love in the early stages.

When Episode Two is better:
It doesn’t mean the pilot has failed when the second episode is more engaging, entertaining and lovable. In fact, it often takes a few episodes to get into any television show. Lost and Star Trek have the near-perfect pilot, but some do not.

I can, and will, easily argue that some very good shows have sub-par priemeres, such as Doctor Who and Firefly. I can, and probably will, even say that about the Game of Thrones premiere. Once Upon a Time, which I already reviewed, did not wow me from the first glance either. Take a look at my first reaction to the Once Upon a Time premiere: for me, that review is nearly scalding – I don’t normally make a habit of watching things I don’t like long enough to review them, and the Once Upon a Time pilot probably got more heat from me than most anything I’ve discussed on Musings by Starlight before.

That said, a mediocre premiere is not the end of the world, or even that of viewership. The Thing You Love Most is the second episode of Once Upon a Time, and it killed me, repeatedly – laughed, cried, forgot who I was and the fact that I was really planning on not enjoying this series in the least.

The second episode of Doctor Who is a lot easier to swallow once you’ve gotten to know Rose and the Doctor, and even though The End of The World (Ep2) is even more estranging than Rose (Ep1), it’s easier to get swept up in the story and forget all of your qualms, particularly that classy part of you that hates laughing at nerdy jokes in public and thinks it’s too cool for aliens.

Everything has its time and everything dies - Doctor Who, The End of the World

I have covered a lot here and I hope to have stroked the fire enough that you will leave me a comment. The argument has been opinionated and I’m sure I’ve said something you have disagreed with, so let me know! I need some guidance on what to discuss as I review pilots over the next few weeks.

Oh and also, what are some other criteria for the perfect pilot? I definitely missed some.

Thank you for reading, and please leave me a comment!

Piloting a Series on Pilots

What do Once Upon a Time, Doctor Who, Lost,  Firefly, Star Trek, Sherlock, Battlestar Galactica, and Game of Thrones all have in common? Well, lots of things actually; stellar casts and crews, good scores for the most part, strong niche fan-bases that have grown to mass appeal, and great stories.

For my purposes, what they all have in common comes before all of that, to the very beginning: the pilot. Every show on the air by definition has to have a decent pilot, but let's not stop at the obvious -- let's take a look at what makes these particular pilots so incredibly appealing to viewers and networks alike; what gets us past episode one? How do we go from a new audience member to a completely addicted fanatic? What are the different tactics our writers and directors have chosen to keep us watching week after week, or if you have Netflix, hour after hour after hour?

Over the next few weeks, I'll re-examine some of my favorite pilots, and take a scalpel to some new ones. Personally, I tend to watch shows that make it past a season, or fail early but quickly raise to cult status, so you might not see anything new from this current season. If you want to recommend any show to me, I would love the suggestions. I watch on audience demand, these days. You can make your demand public either below, or on Twitter.

The Cage is Star Trek's unaired pilot, currently available on Netflix. It aged better than you might think – that's one good looking cast, for one thing, and the writing was unparalleled. Its well-drafted philosophies were also largely stolen by The Matrix. 

Game of Thrones quotes to tide you over.

How's that Game of Thrones withdrawal going for you? Season 3 airs Sunday March 31, or in 240 days, 4 hours, 38 minutes 3 seconds from this posting. Luckily there are a few ways to feed your addiction: you can re-watch the episodes (like I just did with the pilot), and read or re-read the books (just started reading A Game of Thrones as well). Here are some fun quotations from the pilot episode Winter is Coming:

Robert Baratheon to Eddard Stark: “You’ve got fat.”

Jaime Lannister: “Don’t leave me alone with these people.”

Benjyn Stark: “I rode all day. Didn’t want to leave you alone with the Lannisters.”

Ned Stark: “I hope I’ll serve you well.”
Robert Baratheon: “You will. And I’ll make sure you don’t look so fucking grim all the time.”

Ned Stark: “How did he get so fat?”

Catelyn Stark: “He only stops drinking when it’s time to eat.”

Benjen Stark “Dire wolves south of the wall, talk of the walkers, and my brother might be the hand of the king. Winter IS coming.”

Check out the scars on that Stark. Did you notice them the first time through?

Ned Stark: “The king takes what he wants. That’s why he’s king.”

Catelyn Stark: “And I’ll say, listen, fat man, you are not taking my husband anywhere.”

Benjyn Stark to Ned: “You at a feast is like a bear in a trap.”

The Hound (Sandor Clegane) “I didn’t pick you for a hunter.”

Tyrion Lannister: “I’m the greatest in the land, and my spear never misses.”

The Hound: “It’s not hunting if you pay for it.”

Robert: “You as good with a spear as you used to be?”

Ned: “No, but I’m still better than you.”

Robb Stark: “I hear the prince is a right royal prick.”

Theon Greyjoy: “Think of all the southern girls he gets to stab with his right royal prick.”

Robb Stark (about Jon Snow): “Go on, Tommy, shave him good. He’s never met a girl he likes better than his own hair.”

Ned Stark: “I don’t fight in tournaments, because when I fight a man for real, I don’t want him to know what I can do.”

Jaime Lannister: “Well said.”

Ned Stark: “How did he get so fat?”

Catelyn Stark: “He only stops drinking when it’s time to eat.”

Tyrion Lannister: “All dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes.”

Magister Illyrio: “A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.”

The maid says, "It's too hot milady!" Foreshadowing that Dany is the real dragon?

Viserys Targaryen: “I piss on Dothraki omens.”

Ser Jorah: “There is no word for 'Thank You' in Dothraki.”

Magister Illyrio: “Dragon eggs, from the shadowlands beyond Ashai. The ages have turned them to stone, but they will always be beautiful.”

The Hound: “Rough night imp?”

Tyrion Lannister: “If I get through this without squirting from one end or the other it will be a miracle.”

Jaime Lannister: “The things I do for love.”

2 Reasons why Blackwater was predictable Game of Thrones

And you all should have been able to see it coming...

(Holy spoilerful, but if you haven't seen Blackwater yet, why are you reading blogs about Game of Thrones and not watching Blackwater? Go! Now!)

I know what they say: Hindsight is 20/20. But there are two really good reasons why we all should have been able to foresee that Stannis wouldn't be sitting in the Iron Throne by next week. It's kind of unfair to put these literary tricks to use and sometimes it does spoil the ending, but lemme tell you, I wish I had posted them last week, because they were both dead on.

Game of Thrones: Who will sit on the Iron Throne (Season 2 episode 8)?

Wouldn't it just be like Cercei Lannister to find a way to get her ass onto that throne in the end?

Of course, as of "The Prince of Winterfell" Cercei is in no position to move for the throne, but she seems to have realised that putting Joffrey there was a mistake. Maybe once she's done pouting about how Joffrey is such a terrible king, she'll get back to plotting for power and become the adversary we used to know and love. Right now she's just being a thorn in the side for her brother Tyrion when he's the only one who's actually trying to do something to protect King's Landing.

But who will it be, then?

Should you watch the Once Upon a Time pilot on ABC?[Review Time]

Emma Swan is a bail-bondsperson, a loner, a mother who gave up her child for adoption, an orphan, and the daughter of Snow White. Or at least that's what her son Henry tells her when he shows up ten years after being put up for adoption. 

The story really begins at Emma's apartment after a birthday wish to not be alone. The doorbell rings, and there is the son she gave up, as well as the first hint of magic in a very mundane life.

Even when the wish comes true, Emma keeps her distance from Henry, and she certainly doesn’t believe him when he tells her she needs to come to his home, Storybrook Maine, to save our favourite Fairy Tale characters from the terror that is life in the real world, where they’ve been put by the Evil Queen. That's right: the Queen's curse is to live the kind of daily life we live, with no happy endings.

Emma is resistant to staying with Henry, but of course, he's a meddling kid, the kind we all love that can always find a way to get what he wants.

Game of Thrones on HBO: It's the sex! [Review Time]

It grew on me. Judging from the hype, I’m probably alone in that I wasn’t blown away by the Game of Thrones television adaptation from the beginning. Although the book series, A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin, is going on close to two decades of readership, it wasn’t until HBO gave it a primetime slot that the whole world starting raving about A Game of Thrones and the book sales skyrocketed. It definitely got my attention, but also left me wondering, how is this so different from all the Fantasy that’s rotting on the bookshelves at Borders, the piles of crappy generic, poorly-written re-tellings of The Lord of the Rings? The pilot of Game of Thrones answered my question relatively quickly: it’s the sex.